by Angelica Hall, Features Department
Shortly after overcoming the COVID-19 virus, college student Jhac, 21, was left with brain fog and a feeling of emptiness as he faced an overwhelming amount of school work during the newly implemented online school setup last year.
Ally, 22, a government employee, had been suffering with anxiety for a long time. As things in her life were finally going into place and she was starting to get better, her healing process was immediately halted when she was forced to work from home; away from the outside world, and left with the thoughts that continued to engulf and suffocate her.
Meanwhile, medical front liner and health worker Luigi Borlongan M.D., 27, had just graduated from medical school when he was confronted with the harsh reality of becoming a doctor during a pandemic.
In this sea of crises brought by the COVID-19 pandemic, these three individuals have tried to stay afloat, swim against the currents, and breathe despite the dangers and devastation. However, as the Philippines marks past its 500th day of quarantine, Jhac, Ally, and Dr. Borlongan, are merely three out of the many Filipinos today who are already drowning inside the four walls of their homes and hospitals, facing the mental and emotional consequences of our country’s pandemic response.
Mental Health Crisis amid Pandemic
According to the Department of Health (DOH), about 3.6 million Filipinos are suffering from mental health problems amid the pandemic. The agency added that this could be an “understatement” and an “underreported figure” as it fails to tackle more conditions.
In 2020 alone, the amount of deaths by suicide increased by 57%, a total of 4,420, in contrast to 2,810 deaths in 2019, based on latest figures from the Philippine Statistics Authority.
Additionally, a study released in June by mental health company MindNation revealed that 53 percent of the Filipino workforce are battling mental health issues during this crisis, with 23 percent who think of quitting their jobs due to problems with mental health and wellbeing.
It also found that in September 2020 to April 2021, workers were suffering with low self-confidence, sleeping problems, and productivity issues. These challenges on the mental health of workers alone have cost companies seven million pesos a year for 10,000 employees. Cited from a BusinessWorld article, the study also reported that “The ones having productivity issues are losing an average of two hours every day. This means that these employees are losing one day per week, which translates into a loss of two months a year due to their productivity challenges.”
On the other hand, a research by The Lancet Psychiatry Journal proved that contracting Covid-19 do have lasting effects on the mental health of a person; as 1 in 3 patients who survived the virus suffers from neurological or psychiatric conditions six months after recovery.
And in the advent of distance learning setup, calls for the safe reopening of classes (#LigtasNaBalikEskwela), and academic breaks, are being pleaded by students, teachers, and parents as they bear the brunt of challenges in the current learning setup. In June 2020, a Manila Bulletin article reported the suicide of an incoming Grade 9 student, presumably caused by distress from “load” and internet expenses for his online class. Another death linked to distance learning was when a 19-year old Grade 10 student committed suicide allegedly due to difficulties with his modules for modular learning.
Also in January 2021, a college student took his own life apparently due to the pressures and difficulties of online classes.
According to a BusinessWorld article quoting program director Bernard B. Argamosa from the National Center for Mental Health (NCMH), the most common concerns of the people seeking the agency’s assistance amid pandemic are symptoms of depression and anxiety.
The NCMH saw a huge increase of calls in their hotline during the beginning of the pandemic from March to August 2020. From an average of 400 calls per month, the agency began receiving more than 700 calls monthly, mainly for anxiety and depression-related symptoms.
“During the third quarter of 2020, we noticed that the primary reasons for calling were anxiety and depression, which were exacerbated by the pandemic,” Argamosa explained in the article.
“The uncertainty of it, the job losses, the lockdown — those are the primary reasons why they’re calling,” he said.
In relation to this, chief health program officer Frances Prescilla Cuevas of the Department of Health’s Disease Prevention and Control Bureau stated in an ABS-CBN online article that the pandemic is “inducing a considerable degree of fear, worry and concern.”
“Psychological impact includes elevated rates of stress or anxiety… Marami po sa mga (There are a lot of) adult Filipinos are highly stressed,” Cuevas said.
The World Health Organization stated that this pandemic will have a “long-term and far-reaching” impact, as “everyone is affected in one way or another.”
Zombie-fication of Resilience
It was not long after Jhac and his mother recovered from the COVID-19 virus when he was met with piles of school work left overdue during his period of illness. However, simply recovering from the virus does not automatically connote recovery from its mental and physical after effects.
In spite of everything Jhac went through, the only consideration his professors and university could give him was to extend his deadlines up to the last minute, but without lessening the amount of his workload.
“Actually, medyo nanghina na ako of course they feel sympathetic and sad for me ganon. Ta’s ano lang hold on na lang parang all the things na normal na sinasabi when you’re sick ganon. They felt sorry for me, they’ll extend the deadline, [and] they’ll make considerations for me.
Pero it was really my mom who said na wag na lang pumasok ganon, like bahala na magpagaling ka muna,” Jhac said.
Whilst enduring the aftermath of COVID-19, along with brain fog and a shaky mental health caused by the illness and isolation, Jhac was not even afforded the breathing time that he needed to healthily cope with a traumatic experience.
“Wala talaga [pahinga]. Kasi nagkasakit talaga ako no’ng sabihin natin like… medyo gumaling-galing na ako no’ng September, 3rd week, pagaling. Pero kulang pa rin ‘yong ano, I really have to work talaga on my deadlines kaya gano’n,” he explained. He continued to work tirelessly on his modules for the duration of October to December, no period of rest for three months since he recovered.
“So parang you were just empty at that point of your life, like hala you just have to forget about your feelings just do it… ito ‘yong situation like para kang suicidal but you’re not really thinking of doing the act. Parang you just want na maglaho na lang, it was just really bad. There was really no support from the school and also the events which really messed up my head during that time.”
These experiences have greatly overshadowed the “joy” that he was supposed to feel when he recovered from the virus.
“It was supposed to be one of the happiest moments in your life, pero parang ano lang, parang nothing. Just to be honest, nothing, walang nagbago. You just live your life gano’n. Parang ano lang, just living your life in a million existence. Just living. Wala talaga.
It doesn’t make a difference if you have COVID or you don’t have COVID kasi the disease is still there, it’s lurking around the corner,” he said.
Traumatic episodes haunted Jhac where it further developed his distrust toward the society and the government due to the way they handled the pandemic. For him, the problem does not end with the virus alone, as there will still be the burden of living and adjusting in a post-covid society.
“Yes it caused me a lot of traumatic episodes, parang napapaisip ka na ‘yong COVID-19 is the end of the world na for you. Kasi ikaw na magmamana lahat ng problema nito, you have to live in a post-COVID society so definitely a lot of trauma.
Siguro the trauma is much more sa action of people to handling the pandemic like they’ve mishandled it so bad, parang instead of changing for the better parang wala na, ‘yon na lang ‘yong status quo. We’re living in eternal limbo ganon. ‘Yong trauma talaga, hindi ka talaga matatakot sa sakit, ‘yong reaction ng people from the sickness gano’n to be honest,” Jhac explained.
Suffocation in Solitude
Everything turned upside down for Ally when the work-from-home setup was implemented in response to the restrictions of repeated quarantines and lockdowns.
Suffering from bouts of anxiety, panic attacks, and overthinking, Ally’s best coping mechanism against these was the outside of her home. And as good things were starting to befall her life in the beginning of 2020, this was halted with the arrival of the pandemic and quarantines.
“Hindi ko kaya na mag-quarantine because I can’t be alone with my thoughts kasi I know that it will kill me in the end,” she said.
“Kapag I’m alone with my thoughts, ang daming pumapasok sa isip ko, sa utak ko. Ang daming ginagawa ng utak ko na fake scenarios that would result to making me worry, making me anxious about things that are not happening, or not yet happening tapos pinoproblema ko na siya,” Ally explained.
Her issues with anxiety and tendency to overthink definitely worsened when the pandemic came, slowly seeping into her lifestyle and physical well-being.
“No’ng nag-pandemic dahil nga lagi akong nag-iisip, lagi akong nago-overthink, sobrang late na ako nakakatulog. Minsan, umaabot pa ako na may araw na doon pa lang ako makakatulog. Doon ko pa lang mararamdaman yung pagod kasi makikita ko na ay, next day na. Doon pa lang ako makakatulog.
… So, nagtataka iyong nanay ko kasi nandito ka lang naman sa bahay, hindi ka naman lumalabas, hindi ka naman anything, pero parang naging worse ‘yong hitsura mo than nung pagod ka, pumapasok ka, bumibiyahe ka and all,” Ally said.
Ally then explained how the continued dragging of quarantine started to affect not just her mental health, but also her physical health.
“Kasi ano, naturally, skinny ako. So, payat talaga ako, mapili din kasi ako sa pagkain, ganyan… So, ‘yong pagka-payat ko talagang pumayat pa ako tapos sobrang lalim ng eye bags ko. Sobrang makikita mo talaga siya. Kahit iyong skin ko, nag-break out ako, ganyan.”
The pressure of Ally becoming the family’s breadwinner after her father became unemployed have also added to the already worsening stress and anxiety that the remote working setup brought to her. The possibility of losing her job and being unable to sustain her family’s needs became one of her biggest worries during this crisis.
These effects on her mental health have greatly affected her work performance too. Being a government employee, it is typical for Ally to work overtime. But as she began to lose sleep due to the quarantine, she then started to fall short on her job which her immediate supervisor noticed.
“So, noong napapansin ko din na tinatamad ako sa work, ganyan. May mga times na ganon, e. ‘Yong parang one day, five dapat yong tasks mo, isa lang nagagawa mo. Tapos one day, paggising mo ‘yong one week worth of work mo, nagagawa mo sa isang araw,” she said.
“So, ang ginawa ko noon is kinausap ko iyong supervisor ko and sinabi ko sa kanya yung situation ko. Medyo bata-bata pa siya, naintindihan niya na ganoon yung situation ko, tapos she offered help…na kailangan mo ba ng guidance? Kailangan ba kitang tanungin kung okay ka lang ba, ganyan.
Tapos from there, unti-unti nakabalik ako sa groove ko. Unti-unti naging okay yung work ko, ganyan. Tapos ayon, na-promote ako. Na-promote ako. So akala ko nga, hindi kasi ano… Ang dami kong shortcomings because of my situation pero buti nakabawi.”
She also noted how she was “lucky” to have a supervisor who understood her mental health problems, as other Filipino workers might not receive this same level of understanding and patience.
As Ally currently gets emotional and mental health support from her boyfriend and loved ones during these times, she also hopes to receive professional help from the NCMH once their doors are finally open to the public in the future.
Just like everyone else currently going through mental health problems, Ally continues to survive this seemingly endless quarantine through various coping mechanisms such as journaling and listening to music. For her, one of the only ways to survive the seemingly bleak future is through taking care of one’s own physical and mental wellbeing.
“Take care of yourself, eat kahit na nasusuka ka dahil you just feel like ayaw mong kumain because you’re so anxious. Sobrang sakit ng tiyan… I am sure sobrang sakit ng tiyan mo because of the anxiousness pero eat, sleep, however you can. Kung sleeping pills man kailangan mo, go with caution and always remember that you have yourself, no matter what. Kaya take care of yourself because that’s the only way, you gonna survive this.”
A Doctor’s Loss and Woes
Recently graduating from medical school, Dr. Luigi Borlongan did not anticipate the fact that his first patients would be his own family.
During one of the previous Modified Enhanced Community Quarantines in the country, one of the main things that further worsened the state of public health were the near-full capacity of hospitals within and around the National Capital Region. This was also a time when hospital hopping around Metro Manila (and even around nearby provinces) became a desperate norm for those who were badly in need of medical care.
Dr. Borlongan was not spared from this difficulty, as he drove around Metro Manila and arrived in about seven hospitals, in attempts of getting his uncle who was a Covid-positive patient, inside an emergency room.
“Kahit – aamin naman na din ako eh – kahit naman I graduated from medical school, syempre nandoon pa rin ‘yong takot na ‘yong una mong pasyente, uncle mo tapos mamamatay pa. So natakot talaga ako noon pero in our profession kasi, kailangan malakas ‘yong loob mo. Kaysa naman mamatayan ka, kailangan mong tatagan ‘yong loob mo. So sa bahay, I was readying na ‘yong mga gamot. ‘Yong mga swero, oxygen. And then in case na abutan siya doon, naka-ready na ang lahat,” he said.
Prior to getting his uncle to a hospital, Dr. Borlongan was already treating two other Covid-19 positive patients – his other uncle, and his 88-year old grandmother. And what’s worse, as he finally brought one of his uncles to the emergency room, he also found out that he himself already tested positive for the virus.
“Medyo natakot ako noon for my lola kasi my lola is already 88. Lahat ng comorbidities sa vaccination priorities, nasa kanya except diabetes. So natakot talaga ako noon,” Dr. Borlongan said.
As he began his own isolation in an empty apartment building in Makati City, he was still left with the responsibility of his grandmother and another uncle who could not get admitted in any hospitals at the time. This isolation left him with worries and anxiety for the worst case scenario – that any of his family/patients could die.
“And then siguro the first five days ng disease niya, grabe ‘yong kaba ko noon kasi lola mo ‘yon eh. So you don’t want your relative na mamatay sa kamay mo so ako kabadong kabado ako noon. Hindi ako makatulog sa gabi kasi paggising ko, tawag agad ako. Tawag agad ako sa kanya [at] sa hospital to ask for updates.”
He added, “Tapos kakaiba ‘yong anxiety ko. As in kakaiba ‘yong anxiety ko noong bumaba ‘yong oxygen ni lola tapos naka-remdesivir.”
Contracting the virus did not stop Dr. Borlongan from treating his family members. Having a car to use for himself, along with an empty apartment that his family let him use, helped him to remain isolated from the outside world whilst monitoring his two patients. However, this isolation became a double edged sword as the mental and emotional toll started to manifest in him; combined with the pressures of being a doctor, a grandson, and a nephew, to the patients he was dedicated to saving.
“Maya maya, kapag may nagriring kasi na phone, parang may trauma na ako noon. Kapag nagriring ‘yong phone, iniisip ko baka sa ICU ito, kay tito o kaya baka kay lola. Tinatawag na ako kasi naghihingalo na si lola. So, parang may some form of trauma na ako noon eh sa phone. Kapag nakakarinig ako ng ring tone lang. Minsan sa gabi…parang…ako kasi, heavy sleeper ako eh. Kung mag-ring ‘yong phone na yan, siguro mga tatlong ring pa bago ako magising. Noong kay tito kasi parang pagkaring, gising agad ako eh. Tapos may mga times din na hindi ako makatulog kasi may mga times din na si lola, inatake.
So hindi ako makatulog sa gabi kasi gusto kong matulog nang matiwasay siya. Nang hindi ako nag-aalala. Eh hindi naman pwede, naka-quarantine ako. Tapos napansin ko, lakad ako nang lakad noon eh. Siguro it’s one way of my body to release the anxiety. Lakad ako nang lakad noon,” he explained.
Later on as his grandmother finally recovered from the virus, his uncle in the emergency room could no longer hold out. He died after being comatose from Covid-19. This left Dr. Borlongan with a heavy conscience of whether or not he did everything that he could, or if he did everything right, in spite of the situation.
“Actually kasi, siguro, it would apply sa aming mga doctor na whenever a patient dies o may nangyari, konsensya natin ang katapat. Sa amin kasi, parang iniisip namin na ginawa ko ba ang lahat? Kasi ang konsensya kasi, nasabi ko na ba ang lahat o mayroon pa kaya akong dapat sabihin na mas okay para magpaswab ‘yong uncle ko? Tapos tama ba yung ginawa ko noong time na bumababa yung oxygen nya? It still haunts me kung nagawa ko na ba ang lahat? Kung na-offer ko na ba ang lahat?
Alam mo kasi, even though na regular patient siya, ‘yong buhay it’s very fragile. Kapag may nagawa kang hindi tama, kapag may nagawa kang mali, mahirap nang baguhin.”
Even today, thoughts of this experience continue to haunt Dr. Borlongan, as the anxiety and doubts for his actions in the past remain.
“Ako, until now, konsensya ko pa rin ‘yun. Kung nagawa ko na ba ang lahat? Nagawa ko na ba ‘yung tama? Wala bang pagkukulang noong panahon na lumalaban siya noon [against] COVID?
Hindi naman siguro panic attack. Napapaisip lang ako. Lagi kong naiisip. Parang medyo naging sad na din ako kasi kakagraduate ko pa lang, ‘ganon na. Kung nagawa ko na ba ang lahat, hindi ba ako nagkulang?” he said.
Aimless Pandemic Response
As the Philippines’ more than 500 days of quarantine continues to drag on, the Filipinos remain alone on the sidelines to fend for themselves, to bear the brunt of the economical, physical, and mental consequences of the government’s current pandemic response.
College student Jhac described the pandemic situation with visible hopelessness, as he likened it to “living in eternal limbo,” and with parts of his trauma linked more on the pandemic response rather than the virus itself. Asked about his thoughts on the government’s handling of the pandemic, he answered, “The government failed us in more ways than we could imagine: rising inequality, record-high unemployment rates, cases that continue to rise to the thousands, corruption, abuse, and many more.”
This never ending period of lockdowns have also left Jhac “emotionally and mentally tired”, affecting his performance and daily life.
“I feel sad because the situation is dire and will not improve anytime soon; but I’m also grateful and blessed to be still alive and kicking at this point…
With the [extended] periods of lockdowns here in the country, it has definitely affected my performance that sometimes I find it difficult to function and do simple tasks,” he said.
On the other hand, Dr. Borlongan could only express his frustrations and disappointments toward the government as a medical frontliner and healthcare worker, especially now that the country is already 500 days in quarantine.
“Almost all of us did not imagine that the quarantine would last for more than 500 days. All of us thought that it would be over by August 2020. Every time there’s a surge, it feels like we are regressing to our previous status 500 days ago. It seems like the previous mistakes of the government during the last surges, we are still seeing them until today. Our leaders did not learn anything from the past 500 days and they are bound to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.”
Being a medical frontliner, Dr. Borlongan also shared how the pandemic response affected the mental health of his fellow health care workers; citing how the understaffing, crushing workloads due to the rising cases, and the lack of compensation and hazard pay, have contributed to the physical and mental toll of healthcare workers, not to mention the fear of frequently being exposed to the virus.
“The current news would state that the majority of the hospitals are now understaffed (It was already understaffed to begin with). This is due to the mass resignation of hospital staff that would prioritize personal and their family’s safety. Furthermore, the workload is not properly compensated. This in turn would lead to further increasing the workload of their remaining staff,” Dr. Borlongan said.
He added, “The faulty and inefficient pandemic response of the government has taken a toll to the mental health of all health care workers as cases are rising everyday amidst the imposed quarantine protocols. Health care workers are already overwhelmed with the amount of workload in the hospital prior to the pandemic. As days go by, there is a decreasing trend on the number of hospital staff that are on duty. The remaining hospital staff on duty are already drained and tired.
Everyday you’ll see positive cases, you’ll be exposed to them, and there is a fear of contracting the virus and bringing it to their respective families. The amount of social responsibility that they have right now does not equate to the amount of compensation that they are receiving. It’s either they did not receive the compensation or it was placed on something useless [e.g. dolomite beach, building a memorial for healthcare workers].”
Furthermore, Dr. Borlongan stressed how the current pandemic response is “faulty and ineffective”, rating it a two out of ten. His basis were the following: (I) the late closing of the country’s borders, (II) the lack of mass testing which he said will be an issue now that granular lockdown will be implemented, (III) reducing the budget of DOH in the proposed 2022 national budget while there is still a pandemic, (IV) Using the national budget for “useless projects” (citing the controversial dolomite beach), and (V) the heads of the IATF not being in the medical field.
“I believe that the vaccine against SARS-CoV-2 is not the only solution to the current surge and the pandemic. Even vaccinated people are infected with the virus. As long as our leaders would not listen to our health experts and would conduct experiments on people (Mag e-experiment daw sa granular lockdown. Very unethical), this pandemic is far from over,” he said.
Living beyond the trauma
A student, a worker, and a doctor – these three individuals all live different lives and have made different choices. But right now, their greatest commonality lies in the pandemic – all the darkness and damages it brought to their lives. And like many other Filipinos today, they continue to walk in a fog. They continued to defy, and to care, despite the endless exhaustion with the powers that be, which otherwise could have led to apathy and blind obedience.
Mental health problems come from an interplay of sources, and it chooses no one. Even if the pandemic is gone, the burden of remembering the trauma, anxiety, depression, loss, and guilt will still be carried by those who survive and remain.
However, it is up to us, to utilize these damages into hard lessons, in order to ensure that if another pandemic arrives, the future generation will no longer endure more than 500 days of quarantines, or witness a loved one die from a virus (when its spread could have been prevented or lessened), or become a prisoner in their own homes, their own fears, and eventually their own minds.
But in order to improve, it is first important to accept that there is a problem at hand. And in this time of pandemic, the easiest problems to address would be those within our grasp – our mental health.
So for now, breathe. The future feels uncertain, the pain and the trauma will still be there, but soon, it will be easier to handle. Because even with 1000 days of solitude, you are not, and will never be, alone in this.
There is no shame in asking for help. Your distress is valid. For mental health assistance/emergencies, please contact the following:
National Center for Mental Health Hotline: 85319001
NCMH E-Konsultasyon/NCMH Outpatient Section on Facebook
Philippine Red Cross Crisis Hotline at 1158
HOPELINE by NGF at 2919 (toll-free for Globe and TM subscribers); +63917-558-4673, or (02) 8-804-4673
In-Touch Crisis Line at (02) 8-893-7603, +63917-800-1123, or +63922-893-8944
Philippine Psychiatric Association (for frontliners) at +63918-942-4864 or through philpsych.org@gmail.com
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PUP Campus Journalists 